There’s not enough mental prep I could put into St. Paddy’s Day this year. Not only is it TOMORROW… but it’s a Friday. Which means people will be drinking like they don’t have to work ’til Monday. (2 day hangovers ARE real, to my 23-and-under crowd reading.)
Working in radio, the bar scene, and various events the past 5 years I have some helpful tips for how to NOT be the worst person on St. Paddy’s Day.
This informative guide will prevent you from:
- Getting kicked out at 9 am.
- Getting in bar fights.
- Getting dumped.
- Losing your job.
I want you to reflect on this St. Paddy’s Day with a smile on your face so here we go:
- Don’t be pregnant.
Ok, so I don’t actually mean go back in time and reverse the deed. But what I’m saying is, if you got a bun… stay home. I get it, little beeb might just want some corn beef hash but make the father bring you some back. But don’t go out. You’re going to get elbowed, pinched, and annoyed AF.
And don’t EVEN get me started if you’re out drinking green beer.
2. Don’t f—ing touch those bagpipes you see at the pub.
Chances are, one of the places you’ll go to tomorrow will have bagpipes there. If they are of any accessibility to you DO NOT TOUCH THEM. You don’t know how to play. In fact, I can guarantee you suck at it. And no it’s not going to be funny if you “just try”. And yes, the owner of said bagpipes will be LIVID. This could potentially get you kicked out. You could destroy these and owe money. JUST DON’T.
3. Don’t physically pick up a little person dressed as a leprechaun.
Most bars I’ve been to on St. Paddy’s Day (usually earlier on) have a LP out there dressed as a leprechaun. They are getting paid to do that. Also, they’re not f—ing babies. No one cares how strong you are. In fact don’t pick up any human. If at any point you are turning blue in the face because you can’t lift someone up, go drink water. Or go home.
4. Don’t flash your boobs for beads.
That holiday has ended. St Paddy’s Day is a BYOBead situation and most likely, someone will be in that bar that knows your father. So.
5. Participate in the holiday.
Don’t show up wearing red to be against-the-grain. You already committed to getting up at 6 am to get drunk. So if you’re not drinking for a purpose, we assume you have a problem. Also don’t order a Sex on the Beach! This isn’t a MTV Spring Break. You’re likely going to be slurring and sending sloppy ass selfies to your ex on Snapchat by 11 am, so just drink whatever is on special.